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Judge Sentenced to 4 Years for Penis Pump in Court
BRISTOW, Okla.- A former judge convicted of exposing himself while presiding over jury trials by using a sexual device under his robe was sentenced Friday to four years in prison. Donald Thompson had spent almost 23 years on the bench and had served as a state legislator before retiring from the court in 2004. He showed no reaction when he was sentenced. At his trial this summer, his former court reporter, Lisa Foster, testified that she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times during trial between 2001 and 2003. Prosecutors said he also used a device known as a penis pump during at least four trials in the same period. Thompson, 59, was convicted last month of four felony courts of indecent exposure for incidents that took place in his Creek County courtroom. Thompson, a married father of three grown children, testified that the penis pump was given to him as a joke by a longtime hunting and fishing buddy. "It wasn't something I was hiding," he said. He said he may have absentmindedly squeezed the pump's handle during court cases but never used it to masturbate. Foster told authorities that she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. A whooshing sound could be heard on Foster's audiotape of the trial. When jurors asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn't heard it but would listen for it. Police built a case against the judge after a police officer testifying in a 2003 murder trial saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk. Investigators later checked the carpet, Thompson's robes and the chair behind the bench and found semen, according to court records. Seems the moral of this story is "be nice to the Court staff" or else ...

Complain About Jury Duty, Go to Jail!
Warning: Don't show up for jury duty with a bad attitude. Ross Selkirk's alleged behavior got him arrested and he had to post $5,000 bail to get out of jail. Selkirk was picked to sit on a panel for a criminal trial. Apparently, he did NOT want to serve and complained loudly and banged his arm on the wooden railing of the jury box. He then made an obscene gesture (obviously the "finger") to a man in the courtroom. After a bailiff told him several times to behave, Selkirk was arrested and booked for investigation of criminal contempt. Probably the stupidest way to get out of jury duty.

Woman Mistakenly Arrested for Marshmellow Fine
In what is being appropriately termed the "Marshmellow Bust," a teacher's aide who forgot to put away her marshmallows and hot chocolate at Yellowstone National Park last year was taken from her cruise ship cabin in handcuffs and hauled before a judge, accused of failing to pay the year-old fine. Hope Clarke, 32, crying and in leg shackles, told the judge she was rousted at 6:30 a.m. by federal agents after the ship returned to Miami from Mexico. She insisted that she paid the $50 fine before she left Yellowstone, which has strict rules about food storage. Apparently, a warrant claiming Clarke had not paid the fine was found in the federal law enforcement database. A federal spokesman called the arrest "an unfortunate set of circumstances." Who signed off on this warrant - Smokey the Bear?

Doctor Arrested After Billing the State $5,000 for Having Sex With a Patient
An Oregon City doctor will spend two months in jail after he advised a patient that having sex with him would help her pelvic pain, then billed the Oregon Health Plan for his time during their sessions. The woman told officials that Dr. Randall J. Smith, 50, told her that massaging her "trigger points" would alleviate her pain. Eventually, the therapy involved sexual intercourse. Given the substantial bill for "services" and apparently multiple "sessions," the "procedure" must have been at least somewhat beneficial.

Idiot Bank Robber Forgets Getaway Car
File this one under "stupid robber tricks." Police say Knute Falk remembered to bring a loaded gun, a bag for the cash and a bandana to cover his face when he went to rob a Bank of American in Beaverton, Oregon. He got away with $188,655, a good haul for a day's work for a bank robber, but forgot a crucial piece of any heist a getaway car parked in close proximity. His own car was several blocks away, so Falk, 54, demanded car keys from a bank customer. "When he took the keys, he said, 'I will leave them under the front seat,'" the puzzled customer told a newspaper. "He was very polite." Only problem was, Falk couldn't figure out which key opened up the car, so he took off the mask, and went back into the bank to find out. This man is so dumb ... just fill in your own comment here.

Judge Appoints Lawyer for a Dog
CROWN POINT, Ind. - Plenty of lawyers have dogs but how many dogs have lawyers? At least one. And his name is Cabic. Lake Circuit Judge Lorenzo Arredondo appointed an attorney Thursday to represent Cabic at a hearing to determine whether he is a wolf-dog hybrid. For Cabic, the outcome is a matter of life and death. ... and in related "canine" news ...

N.Y. Lawyer Fined for Barking at Witness
NEW YORK - A lawyer who barked like a dog at a witness during a deposition has been fined $8,500 for misconduct and harassment of opponents. Apparently, the lawyer started barking like a dog when a witness at a deposition was asked about some letters at issue in the case, and "behaved in a very mocking manner, making the witness feel intimidated, speaking over other people and making it difficult for the court reporter to record much of anything." "Mr. Fink was barking up the wrong tree," one lawyer quipped as he recalled the deposition. "I don't know what motivated him to bark." One can only imagine the court reporter's dilemma.

Argument Over Bible Turns Into Assault With Boiling Oil
EUGENE, Ore. - A woman is accused of pouring boiling oil on her boyfriend's face in an argument over a Bible verse. She is charged with domestic violence assault and jailed on $250,000 bail. Her 31-year-old boyfriend, whose name was not released, was hospitalized with severe burns on his face, neck and chest. Unfortunately, no mention of which verse was the subject of such a "heated discussion."

Man Arrested for DUI on a Lawnmower
FAIRVIEW HEIGHTS, Ill. - When authorities warned Paul Schwarztrauber Jr. not to drink and drive, it may not have been entirely clear to him that the prohibition also applied to lawnmowers. The 46-year-old was pulled over this week and charged with riding his lawnmower on a public street while intoxicated and with a revoked license. Motor vehicle, damn it, motor vehicle!

Man Sues for Being Fired Because He Couldn't Pee Fast Enough
ATLANTA, Ga. - A man who says he was fired by Caterpillar Inc. because he wasn't able to urinate for a drug test sued the equipment giant Wednesday, alleging discrimination under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). The plaintiff says he suffers from paruresis (or "shy bladder syndrome"), and was physically unable to urinate into a specimen cup, despite having drunk 40 ounces of water and being given three hours. The lawsuit claims he ultimately was able to provide a urine sample (as well as a hair sample), but the company refused to test the sample because he failed to produce it within the allotted three-hour period. The lawsuit asks: Is not being able to pee on cue a disability?

Man Files Police Complaint Against Elephant
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - The father of a 10-year-old boy filed a police complaint after a circus elephant trampled his child's bicycle. The boy parked his bicycle close to the elephant compound to watch as the circus came to town. While he watched the parade, one of the elephants in the pen used his trunk to pick up the bicycle, and then dropped it on the ground and trampled it. When circus officials said they weren't responsible for replacing it, the father filed a police complaint. But police aren't sure how to classify it - "We don't really know if it's a crime at all."

Two Cats Suspects in Arson Investigation
LIBERAL, Kan. - Fire Department investigators said a pair of cats started a fire inside a small southwest Kansas home by jumping onto a stove. Apparently, one of the cats ignited a burner by stepping on a push button. Police do not expect to file charges any time soon, and are seeking the whereabouts of an alleged accomplice - a mouse seen hurrying off the scene.


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